New York- Thousands, possibly billions, will be infected with the mumps this year, prompting health officials to reemphasize just how repulsive you will look if you get them.
“You’ll look pretty fucking disgusting,” one official stresses. “This isn’t about those infected, this is about those who have to look at them. I mean, Christ, I saw this one guy that looked like he had a dried up beanbag growing on the side of his face. I nearly shit myself.”
Others have had similar reactions, like student Sammy Waldorf, who lives with one of the ‘mumpies.’
“I puked. I mean, I literally horked all over the place. And not just once, like twelve to thirteen times. It was splashing everywhere, the floor, the kitchen counter, my eyes, inside the goddamn milk jug. Everywhere.”
U.S. health officials are currently working towards ways to halt reactions to the lumpy faced slobs. Atop the list are masks, large hoods, paper bags, and mump internment camps.
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