Salmonella Increase Due to Unsafe Chicken Sex

Washington- A sudden increase of salmonella found in chickens has scientists searching for the cause of the bacterial boom. Salmonella, which is generally found in eggs, is now showing up more often in chicken meat, which could possibly expose millions to explosive diarrhea.

Some believe it is the rising number of unprotected chicken sex that is spreading the bacteria so rapidly.

“It’s about education at this point,” said chicken whisperer C.J. Juarez. “You can put a condom on a cock’s genitals until the cows come home, but if you don’t take the time to walk the horse down to the river, then shoot, you're counting your chickens."

Other experts offered their perspective. “This is a clear case of unprotected chicken sex,” said Brad Lyons, Ornithologist at Boston College. “You must understand that we"re dealing with a subculture of chickens where multiple sexual partners are not only tolerated, but encouraged. It’s like a goddamn Nelly video inside those coops.”

Some studies support Lyons claims of a blatant disregard for monogamy, protected sex, or even cuddling after intercourse. In one startling instance, a cock was seen penetrating 23 different chickens, one after the other, without even attempting to look for a condom. All 24 chickens were found to be Salmonella positive.

With instances like this arising around the country many believe Salmonella will surpass “the clap” in VD infamy.

Illegal Immigration: Bush Signs Bill for 700 Mile Fence and 400 Scarecrows

El Paso, TX- Thursday, President Bush signed a bill funding a 700 mile fence along the Mexican border and 400 “really freaky looking” scarecrows to stop illegal immigration.

"The United States has not been in complete control of its borders for decades…” Bush said. And control it is, as six foot tall chain link fences are to be bought at the local Home Depot next Wednesday.

When questioned about the giant scarecrows believability, Bush remained candid:

“We thought electric fences initially, but you wouldn’t believe the red tape surrounding that one. These immigrants are a scared and hungry people, and Oooo Boy, them scarecrows will make anybody’s skin crawl. I get the jitters just thinkin’ bout ‘em.”

Critics, call the $1.2 billion project a “waste of goddamn money” and a “buttfucking shame.” Some believe funding should be directed towards more border agents, doubting the reaction time of dummies tied to a pole.

Bush disagreed, saying, “Border agents? And just where do you think we’re gonna find people willing to work in such bad conditions for low pay and long hours?”

Study: Low Serotonin Levels Has Monkeys Going Ape Shit

Washington- Recent studies have found that low levels of serotonin in the brains of monkeys could be responsible for the cycle of child abuse. Then again, it could also be due to the fact that they are dirty fucking monkeys.

The study shows that baby monkeys that are hit, thrown, pile-drived, and especially sodomized with carrot bits by their mothers, have shown a surprisingly lower level of serotonin in the brain. This low level increases the likelihood that the babies will grow up to be greasy perverts, as well.

“It started off as funny,” said behavioral scientist and avid myspacer Pierre Dykes. “But when one of the mothers started sticking things in orifices, filming was halted, the music was shut off, and we felt we had to address the cause of the problem.”

Researchers believe the results of such studies are sure to have implications to humans, as both species have legs, arms, a brain, and play with their own genitals. Shortly after the study, all 36 of the monkeys were destroyed with ice picks.

High Acid Level Reported in Ocean. Fish Tripping Balls.

Nairobi- The world’s carbon emissions are turning the oceans more acidic, which could harm sea life, experts reported on Tuesday. Marine organisms are expected to change drastically from the effects of the high levels of acid.

“The fish are freaking out,” says marine biologist J.J. Buckhalter. “You just can’t expect to give animals high doses of hallucinogens and expect things to be just fine. I mean, most of these fish haven’t even experimented with pot, much less LSD!”

With high doses of acid in the water, scientists have witnessed many different species of fish and sea life exhibiting fear, panic, jaw grinding, and some that “just can’t stop smiling.” However, with drug use running rampant among the sea floor, experts project to see many of the problems witnessed on land, down below.

“Sure, you can expect a fair amount of murders, rapes, assaults, and prostitution in the ocean within the next couple of years,” says scientist and closet homosexual Danny Bailey. “But that has the scientific community ecstatic. I mean, it sucks, sure, but you have no idea how monotonous it gets watching goddamn tuna migrate every year. I bet there gonna be ‘a wigglin’ all over the place, now!”

Life getting painfully longer

Washington- Statistics released earlier this week show that while life expectancy is increasing, so does the amount of pain a person experiences. Or, in other words, life sucks and may not be worth living.

The findings have many people asking if life is even worth the pain. With the myriad of diseases and health complications out there, people are questioning the point in delaying the inevitability of death.

“Well, I know that I’m gonna die. And due to recent reports, the odds are pretty good it’s going to be a long and painful one. I can’t enjoy life knowing I have to look forward to so much misery…..(*BANG!, thud*),” said the late Kyle Pearson (1976-2006).

The study was a trying one for the experts involved, as the analysis took longer than expected. As results became clearer of the increased pain associated with life, 20 of the researchers also opted to kill themselves, rather than roll the dice of pain.

The publication of the study has prompted follow-up research, as experts believe that the public’s reaction has altered the initial findings. Since the study has been released, there have been a reported 500,000 suicides, thus, potentially bringing the life expectancy average from 80 back down to 39.

Fat Kids Now Picked On By Death Himself

Chicago- A recent study has shown that fat kids are not only fun to tease and punch in their blobby guts, but may also die sooner than good looking, fit children. The obese offspring are showing signs associated with heart disease, such as narrowing and hardening of the arteries, high cholesterol, diabetes, and sweating butter.

With an increasing amount of overweight children this can only lead to more cases of fat kid death and despair. And this has some organizations like It’s Not My Fault I’m Fat (INMFIF) shaking in their ginourmous boots.

“It’s amazing what being big boned can do to your health!,” said fleshy slob and founder of INMFIF, Betsy Nickels. “Our children are dying and it’s all genetics fault! Fat genes should be illegal, or there should be some cure for them, or….Holy Jesus, is that a milkshake? Are we done here?”

But this has some entrepreneurs chomping at the bit. Zeke Punchers, founder of Custom Caskets and Party Favors, is thrilled about the studies results.

“Many casketeers don’t provide small caskets. And small and wide? Forget about it. I’ve got a monopoly on dead fat kids. This is fine, handcrafted, quality shit right here.”

School Bus Injuries Blamed on Fat, Ugly, Stupid, Fat Bus Drivers

Chicago- Data gathered now reveals that school bus injuries have doubled estimates from the past year, lending to the much believed speculation that bus drivers are in fact, degenerates.

Past studies have taken into account only school bus crashes and not factoring in slips and falls, jostling in the seats, Indian burns, and drivers slamming on the breaks to “keep those little fuckers honest."

Terry “Bruno” Nelson, a bus driver for 16 years, believes that the kids should be to blame. “What the hell do you want me to do when the fat kid is gettin’ a pink-belly and squealing like a pig? Not turn around? Yeah, right, it’s bad enough I have to stop at every railroad crossing, much less miss out on fat kid pranks.”

Members of the group Mom Against Dead Kids on School Busses (MADKSB) say that current bus safety laws are not keeping children safe.

“Just last year, out of the 23 million children that ride on busses, almost 10 died.” Said MADKSB spokesman Sue Dykes. “Sure, three of them had cerebral palsy, but still, that’s like 8 ½ kids. Unacceptable.”

Stopping of Heart is Top Reason People Die

New York- In a study conducted over the past ten years, scientists now confirm that the number one cause of death in the U.S. is the heart stopping. Over 50 billion deaths were included in the study, and amazingly enough, none of the dead bodies had any sign of beating hearts.

“We feel it’s a major breakthrough,” said cardiologist Fritz Miller. “Now that we’ve identified the cause of death in people, we can now look towards solutions that will keep the heart beating years after death.”

Methods are now being explored to remove the heart from a potentially dead person, and keep it beating on a life support system. “Naturally, the body wouldn’t have much use at this point, but technically they still would be alive,” said Miller, “and that has the health community very excited.”

Research has already begun to develop drugs that could possibly play a role in keeping the heart from stopping, which scientists believe would keep people alive. However, possible side effects from the drugs could leave people feeling depressed.

Pancreatic Cancer and Cavaties

Stolkholm- The Swedes have conducted a study that ties pancreatic cancer to the amounts of sugar in people’s diets. The study was conducted on dozens of Swedes over several months, prompting the silly blue eyed blondes into shit fits.

“Ahhh, ve must stop eating sugar!,” said Swede ‘scientist’ and male housewife Rolf Turnquist. “Ve vill ruin our pancreas, Yah.”

The ‘findings’ showed those who consume extremely high amounts of sugar, are slightly more likely to develop the extremely rare form of cancer. The ‘study’ showed that high sugar users were .0002% more likely to develop the cancer.

Upon the release of the ‘study,’ hundreds of millions of Swedes were shown panicking in the streets of Stolkholm. Many of the Swedes were shown rioting, in orderly fashion, throwing meatballs at each other and blasting Ace of Base and ABBA songs at a slightly uncomfortable volume.

The distress came to a halt slightly after it started, as IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad, came to the rescue by offering the Swedish citizens refunds on all the worthless furniture they had purchased.

Shrieks turned to squeals of delight and, knowing Swedes, they will forget all about the sugar scare that shook Stolkholm.

Calls to the chef from ‘The Muppets’ were not returned.

Vaccine Importance Evident as Mumps Look Disgusting.

New York- Thousands, possibly billions, will be infected with the mumps this year, prompting health officials to reemphasize just how repulsive you will look if you get them.

“You’ll look pretty fucking disgusting,” one official stresses. “This isn’t about those infected, this is about those who have to look at them. I mean, Christ, I saw this one guy that looked like he had a dried up beanbag growing on the side of his face. I nearly shit myself.”

Others have had similar reactions, like student Sammy Waldorf, who lives with one of the ‘mumpies.’

“I puked. I mean, I literally horked all over the place. And not just once, like twelve to thirteen times. It was splashing everywhere, the floor, the kitchen counter, my eyes, inside the goddamn milk jug. Everywhere.”

U.S. health officials are currently working towards ways to halt reactions to the lumpy faced slobs. Atop the list are masks, large hoods, paper bags, and mump internment camps.