Thursday, January 4, 2007

Charlie Weis Eats His Words, Gains 50 Lbs

New Orleans- In what can only be described as a complete embarrassment, Notre Dame was manhandled by LSU on Wednesday night, 41-14. And with a torso that looked to be at full capacity, Charlie Weis was able to gobble down the last of his words from the 2006 season. Needless to say, the plate was sent back clean.

“Hell, we thought he was all filled up,” said Notre Dame athletic director Kevin White. “But that Charlie is a competitor. He’s found a way to force feed himself more empty promises. And they’re the kind that really ends up sticking to your ribs.”

Weis began frantically munching down phrases like “there’s no question, we’re ready to play” and “hey, we’re pretty fast too,” as LSU took a 14-0 lead in the first 5 minutes of the game. But then in the 2nd half, the ND coach started on the entrée and stuffed his face with “we won’t be giving up big plays” followed by a course of “we’re doing a bunch of things different this year than we did last year.”

And just when we all thought the gorging was done, Charlie was somehow able to choke down “I think Notre Dame football fans will be very happy when the results are in.”

Irish fans everywhere are concerned about the future of Notre Dame football, and the health of their Super Bowl winning coach. “He’s got to be pushing five bills,” said disheartened fan Burt Sanchez. “If he eats any more of his words, he could burst. But then again, when the words you are eating are so hollow, we shouldn't be too concerned.”

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

College Bowl Season. Jubiliation's Epitome.


Every year during the bowl season there is a game that epitomizes what the college football experience is all about. A game where the thrill of competition is exemplified, where the pursuit of victory is sought after by every morsel of competitive fiber that resides in an athlete’s being. Of course I am referring to BC’s win over Navy, 25-24.

As a Notre Dame fan, I initially overlooked and underestimated the emotion and passion that goes into preparing for the Navy Midshipmen. With just a month to prepare for a team that runs only one play, the triple option, we all knew BC would have their hands full. But the gang from Chestnut Hill proved they had used their prep time wisely, only allowing 322 yards on the ground.

Trailing 24-16 late in the 2nd half, BC could have just given up and let the Midshipmen have their 10th win of the season. But that’s when we were reminded of just what kind of team the Golden Eagles are. They are a team that doesn’t blink in the face of adversity, a team that would stop at nothing to get what they came for; the prestigious Meineke Car Care title.

But the esteemed bowl title was not the extent of the glory for BC. They were also looking for their seventh straight bowl victory. After all, nothing would top wins in the Aloha Bowl, Music City Bowl, Motor City Bowl, San Francisco Bowl, Continental Tire Bowl, and MPC Computers Bowl, like the fucking cherry that is the Meineke Car Care Bowl Title. And so, they pressed on.

With visions of Flutie’s ‘Hail Mary’ in 1984 with them ALWAYS, blind luck shone down upon this years BC Eagles too, as Navy fumbled a pitch with 1:15 left to go in the game. The magic continued as Steve Aponavicius punched through a 37 yard field goal with no time remaining to continue BC’s impressive bowl streak. The sidelines erupted with triumphant glee as BC players leapt into each others arms and jumped, oh how they jumped, in satisfaction of the elusive 7th straight bowl win. The fans, the players, the coach, and of course Baldwin the Eagle, shit themselves with sublimity and squeals of delight. This was their day.

It was then that I realized the real meaning of college football. It didn’t matter that BC had never won a national title, a BCS bid, or even an outright conference title in their 100+ year history. All that mattered on this day was the absolute splendor of a victory over the 9-4 Navy Midshipmen. It must have been a wonderful feeling. I wondered how it must feel to have my team beat Navy. But then I realized, I could in fact relate. After all, Notre Dame has beat Navy 43 straight times, however I never remembered the players so joyful. All that didn’t matter though, the 2006 BC Golden Eagles had the Meineke Car Care title, and nothing could pry that or the discounts on all lube and oil filters until May of ’07, from their talons. Not now, not ever. Congratulations, BC, your accomplishment this bowl season will echo in the hearts and minds of college football history forever.