Charlie Weis Eats His Words, Gains 50 Lbs

New Orleans- In what can only be described as a complete embarrassment, Notre Dame was manhandled by LSU on Wednesday night, 41-14. And with a torso that looked to be at full capacity, Charlie Weis was able to gobble down the last of his words from the 2006 season. Needless to say, the plate was sent back clean.

“Hell, we thought he was all filled up,” said Notre Dame athletic director Kevin White. “But that Charlie is a competitor. He’s found a way to force feed himself more empty promises. And they’re the kind that really ends up sticking to your ribs.”

Weis began frantically munching down phrases like “there’s no question, we’re ready to play” and “hey, we’re pretty fast too,” as LSU took a 14-0 lead in the first 5 minutes of the game. But then in the 2nd half, the ND coach started on the entrée and stuffed his face with “we won’t be giving up big plays” followed by a course of “we’re doing a bunch of things different this year than we did last year.”

And just when we all thought the gorging was done, Charlie was somehow able to choke down “I think Notre Dame football fans will be very happy when the results are in.”

Irish fans everywhere are concerned about the future of Notre Dame football, and the health of their Super Bowl winning coach. “He’s got to be pushing five bills,” said disheartened fan Burt Sanchez. “If he eats any more of his words, he could burst. But then again, when the words you are eating are so hollow, we shouldn't be too concerned.”

College Bowl Season. Jubiliation's Epitome.

Every year during the bowl season there is a game that epitomizes what the college football experience is all about. A game where the thrill of competition is exemplified, where the pursuit of victory is sought after by every morsel of competitive fiber that resides in an athlete’s being. Of course I am referring to BC’s win over Navy, 25-24.

As a Notre Dame fan, I initially overlooked and underestimated the emotion and passion that goes into preparing for the Navy Midshipmen. With just a month to prepare for a team that runs only one play, the triple option, we all knew BC would have their hands full. But the gang from Chestnut Hill proved they had used their prep time wisely, only allowing 322 yards on the ground.

Trailing 24-16 late in the 2nd half, BC could have just given up and let the Midshipmen have their 10th win of the season. But that’s when we were reminded of just what kind of team the Golden Eagles are. They are a team that doesn’t blink in the face of adversity, a team that would stop at nothing to get what they came for; the prestigious Meineke Car Care title.

But the esteemed bowl title was not the extent of the glory for BC. They were also looking for their seventh straight bowl victory. After all, nothing would top wins in the Aloha Bowl, Music City Bowl, Motor City Bowl, San Francisco Bowl, Continental Tire Bowl, and MPC Computers Bowl, like the fucking cherry that is the Meineke Car Care Bowl Title. And so, they pressed on.

With visions of Flutie’s ‘Hail Mary’ in 1984 with them ALWAYS, blind luck shone down upon this years BC Eagles too, as Navy fumbled a pitch with 1:15 left to go in the game. The magic continued as Steve Aponavicius punched through a 37 yard field goal with no time remaining to continue BC’s impressive bowl streak. The sidelines erupted with triumphant glee as BC players leapt into each others arms and jumped, oh how they jumped, in satisfaction of the elusive 7th straight bowl win. The fans, the players, the coach, and of course Baldwin the Eagle, shit themselves with sublimity and squeals of delight. This was their day.

It was then that I realized the real meaning of college football. It didn’t matter that BC had never won a national title, a BCS bid, or even an outright conference title in their 100+ year history. All that mattered on this day was the absolute splendor of a victory over the 9-4 Navy Midshipmen. It must have been a wonderful feeling. I wondered how it must feel to have my team beat Navy. But then I realized, I could in fact relate. After all, Notre Dame has beat Navy 43 straight times, however I never remembered the players so joyful. All that didn’t matter though, the 2006 BC Golden Eagles had the Meineke Car Care title, and nothing could pry that or the discounts on all lube and oil filters until May of ’07, from their talons. Not now, not ever. Congratulations, BC, your accomplishment this bowl season will echo in the hearts and minds of college football history forever.

Packer Win Could Be Catastrophic For Sports Future

Green Bay, WI- The stakes are high Sunday, as the Packers are not only playing for a playoff berth, but more importantly, for the ego of Brett Favre. A doddering Favre could go to his 10th playoff appearance with the Packers, which has experts worried about the resulting impact on the future of sports.

“If Brett Favre should lead the Packers to a win, he may further dilute himself into thinking he’s still good,” says sports columnist Greg Buttons. “If that happens, the sports community may be hit with an onslaught of has-beens thinking they still have the talent to play. It would be catastrophic!”

Experts fear athletes such as Dan Marino, Jim Brown, and God help us, Terry Bradshaw, could possibly try and play again if the washed up Favre wins Sunday. The integrity of sports could be jeopardized with an insurgence of living legends returning to the game and holding past accomplishments over the team owners’ heads.

“It’s the perfect storm,” says sports enthusiast Bernie Wiggins. “The NFC sucks, the Bears aren’t playing for anything, and Brett Favre just refilled his pain pill prescription. Even the recent lackluster performances of Brett could get him a win! I think I speak for the entire sports community when I say we’re rooting for a heart attack.”

Animal Cloning No Longer Just For Sex, Sacrifice

Washington- In a shocking decision, the FDA has decided that food from cloned animals is safe to eat and requires no special labeling. This has consumer groups horrified, as they are uncomfortable with the idea of eating the cloned.

“Labeling provides us with the information that helps us make healthy decisions,” says vegan and fucking pussy Lance Gruger. “I have a right to know that what I am eating isn’t made from disgusting humans, and isn’t harming our furry friends.”

But while human hating activists are worried about ingesting the ‘unnatural,’ the FDA says complete disclosure is just as dangerous.

“Christ, if we have to label everything that actually goes into food, our country would likely die from starvation,” says FDA representative Mack Benton. “So, let me get this straight. Instead of hot dogs on the label- you want to see cloned rectum tidbits, penis shavings, toenail cheese, and testicular vein chowder? Great idea, you want a side of diarrhea with that?”

Restricted labeling could indeed mislead the consumer, but experts believe it would be far better than “gettin’ the willies” before eating.

Breast Implant Boom 'Not that Sweet'

Scottsdale, AZ- Studies show the amount of breast implants in women is rising dramatically every year, as self esteem is hitting an all-time low. The findings show that fake breasts are not just for gimcrack strippers anymore, and have become popular among soccer moms and housewives too.

The findings reveal that most women are inclined to partake in the surgery because of other women, and not due to pressure from men. But, experts predict such cattiness could escalate to major problems for men, as the bigger fake boobs are getting in the way of women’s traditional roles.

“You gotta think about the repercussions,” says Richard Duncan, head of the Men’s Studies Dept. in Ann Arbor. “Dishes are near impossible to do when you have to reach around Double D’s, and when it comes to ironing, it’s like they have a goddamn blindfold on! For the man who wants it all, what can you do, besides looking for a woman with dignity?”

Shallow men everywhere are alarmed by the fake tits backfire and have started to panic. “Do I want pancakes along with the pancake boobs, or nice boobs and no pancakes?” asked jerk off Brad Nitro. “It’s a question I never really thought I’d have to ask myself.”

Cloning Australians Causes Concern

Melbourne, Australia- Australia’s lower house of parliament has approved new laws that will allow embryonic stem cells to be cloned for research. This has caused a worldwide uproar at the idea of cloning anything Australian.

“I think I can speak for everyone when I say cloning Australian genes, in any form, would be a horrible, horrible mistake,” said Peter Dickens UN representative. “We are looking towards the advancement of civilization, not trying to dumb it down.”

Australia has been heavily criticized in the past for outputs such as wombats, Aborigines, the word ‘bloke,’ and most of all, Paul Hogan. Although the prospect of cloning Australian stem cells is alarming, some experts like Lenny Kadlec of the Americans For Chemical Testing on Australians (AFCTA), believe there is no reason to be concerned.

“Come on, we’re talking about Australians, here. Why don’t we ask Mexico for help with space exploration, while we’re at it. It ain't gonna happen. What we need to do is focus our efforts on Australian birth control, if anything. Cloning, ha, that’s rich.”

Comments from Australian officials on the issue were not immediately understood.

Armageddon May Be For Real, Fake As Well

Yuma, AZ- Scientists have now tentatively scheduled the apocalypse for early to mid April of 2029. An asteroid being called “Apophis,” is heading straight towards Earth and packs the punch of 65,000 Hiroshima bombs, according to NASA.

The report has director Michael Bay and the Hollywood community concerned, as the logistics of the movie Armageddon are slowly becoming disproved.

“We’re finding out that Michael Bay is full of shit,” said Charlie Burgens, NASA scientist. “The notion that we could drill a hole in an asteroid that is moving at 30,000 mph is starting to look like complete bullshit.”

But Michael Bay remained confident that his truth would be revealed. “The only thing unrealistic about Armageddon is that there is actually someone out there as brave as Harry Stamper to save us from a Texas sized asteroid. Bruce was fucking brilliant in that role.”

The report has the believability of other box office smashes like Independence Day, Predator, and Babe II being questioned by experts as well.